Can someone help shed some light? My boyfriend and I have...

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Question by confused
Submitted on 10/5/2004
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Can someone help shed some light? My boyfriend and I have been together for about 2 years. I have 2 children from a previous marriage. He absolutely adores and loves them and vice versa. He told me from the beginning of our relationship that he had cheated on his ex-wife 3 or 4 times. I respected him for telling me that when he didn't have to. I have all the trust in the world in him and he has never given me any reason to think otherwise. He said that he wanted to start over and do things "right". He promised to love, honor, and respect me. A few weeks ago he had a horrible "breakdown". From the stress that my very nasty ex-husband who is trying to make my life miserable, my boyfriend had a "meltdown". We were living together and I have since moved in with my parents temporarily. We have talked and our relationship seems to be getting back on track. We are buying a house together. He has professed his love to me and assured me that he would never do anything to break my heart. He tells me I am the "one" and that he thinks I am his soul mate. Now he hits me with this polyamory stuff. I have read quite extensively about it on the internet. Quite frankly, I think that this is something that was made up by someone who wanted to legitimize their cheating on their spouse or partner. I don't think he had much closure with his ex-wife, who seemed to live with his cheating tendecies. He claims that she forgave him, but she went through his belongings all the time and listened to his voice-mails. I told him that she did not forgive him, she just lived with it in a sense. I do not blame her, because I feel he broke a sacred trust and that is enough to break up any marriage. Since we have been apart, he has been looking for answers for himself. I think that this gave him the "out" to legitimize what he did. And what he did was plainly and simply wrong! He actually told me that he did not think he cheated on his wife and was unfaithful because he still "loved" her. I told him that was the most ludicrous thing I have ever heard come out of his mouth and from what I read, that polyamorists(?) would agree. This is supposed to be open and honest. None of which he was. I don't know if this is his answer to make himself feel better about the mistakes he made in that relationship or if this is truly something he believes in. I personally do not believe in it and have expressed that to him. I told him that if that is the way he feels he needs to live his life, then he would be doing it without me. My beliefs and values are that you have a monogamous relationship and I have 2 children that I need to teach and cannot, without a guilty conscience, let them believe that this is okay. I would like anyone else's opinions and thoughts. I have looked this word up in the dictionary and suprise, suprise it is not there. I need to have someone explain a little more in depth as to why you would need to have an intimate relationship with anyone else if who you have is enough. My boyfriend has suggested that we go to couseling, in which I have readily agreed. I love him too much and am not willing to give up our relationship without at least a little bit of a fight. But I am not willing to share him and can't see that changing anytime in the near future. Is there anyone out there that can relate and is there anyone that might be able to shed some light on this subject for me? How do you really know and how do I know I'm not wasting my time?

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