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Archive-name: tv/sat-night-live/commercials
Last-modified: 1994/04/08
Posting-Frequency: Monthly
Saturday Night Live FAQ: Commercial Parodies
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This is a transcription of various Saturday Night Live parody
commercials.
Included:
1) Happy Fun Ball
2) Grayson Moorhead Securities
Subject: Happy Fun Ball
(kids)
It's Happy!
It's Fun!
It's Happy Fun Ball!
(announcer)
Yes, it's Happy Fun Ball,
the toy sensation
that's sweeping the nation.
Only 14.95 at participating stores!
Get one Today
(background voice)
Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly, and children should avoid
prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball.
Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.
Happy Fun Ball contains a liquid core, which if exposed due to rupture
should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.
Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete.
Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs:
* Itching
* Vertigo
* Dizziness
* Tingling in extremities
* Loss of balance or coordination
* Slurred speech
* Temporary blindness
* Profuse Sweating
or
* Heart palpitations
If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter
and cover head.
Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin.
When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special container
and kept under refrigeration.
Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products
Incorporated, and its parent company, Global Chemical Unlimited, of
any and all liability.
Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing substance which
fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.
Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is
also being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq.
Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime guarantee.
(announcer)
Happy Fun Ball! Accept no substitutes!
(corrections by Russell Schulz <Russell_Schulz@locutus.ofB.ORG>)
Subject: Grayson Moorhead Securities
First broadcast on 21 Oct 1995
- A Tradition of Excellence -
Narrator:
On Wall Street, Trendy investment fads have come and gone over the
years, but not at Grayson Moorhead, where we've always stuck to the
basic principles set forth by Arthur Grayson nearly 80 years ago.
Arthur Grayson:
Our clients must be our first priority.
- The Tradition Endures -
AG:
We will take our client's money and invest it. Part of the profit
we will keep for ourselves; the rest we will give to the client.
- A Tradition of Security -
We will make a list of our clients and how much money each of them
has given us to invest. We will keep this list in a safe place. If
we have time we will make a copy of the list in case something happens
to the first list.
- A Tradition of Listening -
Listen to your client. It's the only way to know what he's saying.
- A Tradition of Trust -
If a client is talking and you're not listening and he notices and
he accuses you of not listening, just say, "Sure I've been listening,
I've heard every word you've said." If he then says, "All right, tell
me what I've been talking about," just say, "You've been talking about
your investments. Which stocks to buy and so on." That way the client
will think you've been listening even though you haven't.
- A Tradition of Integrity -
We will invest only in white-owned businesses.
Not all of Arthur Grayson's principles are followed today, but at
Grayson Moorhead we still believe in the basics.
Don't leave the client's money lying around. Keep it in a safe place.
For example: where we keep the list.
To Arthur Grayson, there was no substitute for knowing the market.
Clients will rely on us for market expertise. If the day ever comes
when a client knows more about the market than we do, copy him. Do
what he does.
- Writing Brokers' Names on Slips of Paper -
Once a year, we will write each broker's name on a slip of paper and
then place the slips in a hat. Each broker will then draw a slip of
paper from the hat. He will buy a gift for the broker whose name he
his drawn. He will be that broker's Secret Santa.
- Drawing Again -
If a broker draws his own name from the hat, he will draw again.
- Taking Special Care -
We must take special care of the list with each client's name and the
amount of money he has invested. If we were to lose that list, we
would be ruined.
- If My Wife Calls -
If my wife calls white I'm in shagging my secretary, tell her I'm
at a board meeting. That way I'll be able to continue shagging my
secretary without my wife knowing about it.
- the tradition continues... -
If my wife were to find out about me and my secretary; that would be bad.
As bad as losing the list.
(transcribed by Doug Krause <dijon@lido.com>)
(corrections by Russell Schulz <Russell_Schulz@locutus.ofB.ORG>)
Subject: HOW TO GET THE SNL COMMERCIAL PARODIES ARCHIVES
If this document is out of date, the latest version can be
obtained from one of these sources:
ftp://rtfm.mit.edu/pub/usenet/news.answers/tv/sat-night-live/
ftp://ftp.uu.net/usenet/news.answers/tv/sat-night-live/commercials.Z
http://www.cis.ohio-state.edu/hypertext/faq/usenet/tv/sat-night-live/commercials/faq.html
Please send any corrections or new information to snl-faq@lido.com.
--
Doug Krause dijon@lido.com http://www.lido.com/
"The circle is now complete. The Circle of Life!" -Mufasa Vader
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