Top Document: alt.romance "FAQ" (part 2 of 3) [posted monthly] Previous Document: #9# Dating Next Document: #B# Backrubs and massages See reader questions & answers on this topic! - Help others by sharing your knowledge From: jad@atux01.att.com (Jessica Danielson) @}-,-`-- @}-,-`-- @}-,-`-- @}-,- This article was built from responses from members of alt.romance in response to my request for "sensitivity training." I have tried to organize the responses and have also attempted to summarize. [...] WHAT IS SENSITIVITY? Respondents' outlook on what sensitivity is varied considerably. Some believed that sensitivity is in fact a sort of native talent. I think it has a lot to do with personality traits that you are born with. Some of my friends really do care for people, but have a hard time "reading" them. Others believed that sensitivity is something which is not so much developed, as allowed to exist. It's called "empathy", and it's a trait that isn't so much developed as allowed to exist. Many things in our modern world tend to cause us to believe that we shouldn't empathize. WHAT CAUSES INSENSITIVITY? What is responsible for sensitivity problems? Respondents felt that problems might be associated with self-absorbtion. Well, I have this problem; it comes from being so wound up with my own problems that I don't "have time" for others. Don't know if this is your sticking point, but, if it is, it shows in the tension you project. Semi- silly idea: ask a friend to unobtrusively follow you around with a camcorder and take candid shots of you in public. This would probably be very difficult to implement (too much "camera awareness"), but you could really see how you present yourself to others. I've already found that I've acted inconsistent in cases where I told myself I wanted to pay attention to someone I could care less about, and it showed. *sigh* A lack of self-honesty was also blamed. Playing games with oneself will surely cause problems in dealing with others. BE PREPARED! Keeping an open mind prepares you to be sensitive to others. ... I find that keeping a VERY open mind helps. You have to always be on your toes, trying to relate to what the person is saying, even though you may not have experienced what they have. SENSITIVITY AS A SKILL Most respondents believed that sensitivity to others could be developed. Some people DO have this ability, but most just fake it. It comes with experience... People learn from their experiences, and make judgements based upon these. If certain behaviour results in favourable responses, we tend to repeat it. Given unfavourable responses, we tend not to repeat it (at least, not very often). So any sense of "prediction" is mainly the application of past experience. LISTENING One frequently discussed "technique" was listening. The trick (for me, at least) was to listen more carefully to people. I used to be caught up in a little world of my own, and when I'd hear a key word that related to something that was in my little world, then I'd jump in the conversation. Suggestions for effective listening techniques were made. My best advise is that listening is an interactive activity. As you learn how to communicate immediacy, the rest begins to come more and more easily. For example, as you are listening to someone, try to understand not just what they are saying, but why they are saying it. Then, as you start to guess, ask questions which indicate an interest not just in the what, but the why. You will probably be wrong most of the time, but by asking, you don't have to guess. The other person can tell you if you understand or not. It takes some practice, but it is well worth it! HOW TO LISTEN Look directly at the other person. Don't look away at other things, no matter how distracting. Nod in agreement occasionally -- if nothing else, this will keep the other person talking -- better still to do it at the right places. Completely refrain from trying to insert a comment of your own. (I have trouble with this, and tend to trample conversations, because if I don't say it I'll forget what I want to say in trying to listen to the rest of the conversation). Lean towards the other person just a little (too much can look confrontational). These things will convince the other person that you're listening. As long as you stay focused on him/her and don't try to butt in, you'll be able to listen and really hear what they're saying. "'Tis better to be silent and thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt." Waiting till the other person finishes is polite and it gives you time to compose an answer, rather than blurt out something. Listen -- listen very carefully, look into their eyes, don't let outside things interrupt your concentration on what they are saying. If you don't understand exactly what they said ask questions and get them to go over things. Summarise what they have told you. Don't always offer advice -- it's not always wanted -- often a sympathetic ear is just enough. The important thing is to show the other person that you are willing to drop all outside distractions and to focus on their needs for a while -- to show you care for them and they will like wise return the favour when needed. Another suggestion was to literally take notes, whenever practicable. This was also recommended as it tends to build up the mental note-taking habit. NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION Acquiring an understanding of non-verbal communication was recommended. People say so much, their gestures, looks, and body language in general. Even the way they build sentences is different when they are happy or sad. Sometimes it is obvious, sometimes you have to know them for a while. That's one part of it. The other is using this information. Touch was suggested as a way of "testing the waters." There's a good way to know if someone is ready for your friendship. Find an excuse and touch their hand. You can lie and you can keep your face calm, but few people can stand a touch from someone they don't like. Looking at the way people are acting gives an indication of their feelings, too. I've also found that watching people helps. If I have known someone for a long period of time and watch how they behave, then eventually if they start doing things that are "out of character", I'm better at picking that up. DEVELOPING TRUST AND ENCOURAGING OPENNESS Getting the other person to feel comfortable with you is a critical need. This is your responsibility! Most people are more open than one may think, if they feel comfortable with it, so you have to give them that feeling. Trust is the key to openness. The major word is trust. Once you've won someone's trust and respect they open to you. But a trust is easy to loose too. And if you loose someone's trust you can never get it back. Asking questions was heavily recommended for getting people to open up, even when on uncertain ground. When you know SOMETHING is wrong, but have no idea what, bluff. Ask leading questions, like you know something already, but {be subtle}. Ask people about themselves. If someone finds out that you are actually interested in THEM, it is amazing how they will respond. You can ask questions about their family, about their work/school, or about everyday things, i.e., "Did anything exciting happen today/this week?' (and follow up -- the standard response is "no"- I usually say "C'mon, surely SOMETHING interesting happened.") It was pointed out that it is critical to listen BEFORE asking questions, and to consider the impact of the question on the person asked. At first, don't ask and just listen. Never ask if you at their place wouldn't like the question. Be open yourself. Let people know how YOU feel. Basically if you want to show people that you're sensitive to have to open yourself up to them as well. Remember, NEVER assume anything. Sure, you can guess, but remember that you are only guessing. The main point, though, is to tell the other person how YOU feel... 'You seem to be nervous... Are you?' 'You still seem to be upset, and that bothers me....' 'You know, I love it when you smile at me that way....' 'I really appreciate it when you do things like this....' 'That was really fun! I'd like to do that again!' The 'mind-readers' just voice their concerns and thoughts, that's all. Try it. With some practice, you'll become quite adept at it.... Advise on encouraging trust included sharing your own "secrets". As for getting people to opening up - share activities with them, get to know them better, most importantly, share your feelings too. Real concern helps too, as does a willingness to help out. Best advice I know of is to honestly care about other people. Then you can pick up their "vibes" almost naturally (since you care, you pay attention to what they like and dislike, and become aware of these things). Be friendly, honest, and open, and you will develop the friendships you want. Be consistent, so that people can see you can be trusted, and they will begin to open up. Above all, be there when your friends need you. USING YOUR OWN FEELINGS Understanding the causes of unconfortable feelings in yourself is helpful in understanding others, even if it means confronting unpleasant realities about yourself. That's exactly the way how it works. If you get that [uncomfortable] feeling, try to find out what initiates it. Of course, it means thinking more about people. It helps a lot to talk with a really close friend about it. When you get that feeling while talking to him/her. Most people I have met who have this capability (if you like to describe it that way), think it is based on rational understanding your own feelings. The results are not always nice, because nobody is perfect. I mean, nobody likes to think about his bad properties, but doing so is the consequence. Once you started it, you can't run away. SOME OTHER VALUABLE THINGS TO REMEMBER Be open, yourself, and remember that 1) Everybody is entitled to their feelings, no matter how illogical they are; 2) There is no such thing as 'blame'... Everybody involved is equally at fault; 3) Don't attack, but express -- Not 'You did this/that,' but 'I feel this/that'; 4) Don't leave a problem unresolved -- it will just get worse with time; 5) Nobody's perfect -- not even you.... [...] User Contributions:Top Document: alt.romance "FAQ" (part 2 of 3) [posted monthly] Previous Document: #9# Dating Next Document: #B# Backrubs and massages Part1 - Part2 - Part3 - Single Page [ Usenet FAQs | Web FAQs | Documents | RFC Index ] Send corrections/additions to the FAQ Maintainer: alt.romance.FAQ.2006@online.de (Henning Klaskala)
Last Update March 27 2014 @ 02:12 PM
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